thinkythink

Doing in your head before doing in the world

I want to talk about an inattentive experience I'm having today. It's been a long while, luckily, since I've dealt with this one, but I must have just the right mix of fatigue, estrogen (big effect on the AD/HD), and piles of stuff to do. From working with my clients I think it's an experience a lot of predominantly inattentive type folks have, and maybe some non-ADD folks as well, but it's something with which people usually struggle without having it identified. It goes like this:

I have an errand or chore to do. I think of this task, then I start doing it--- in my head. I imagine all the details of it in sequence. It's the kind of visualization that you would think would be helpful if you were an athlete with a goal, and you actually intended to imagine it in mind-numbing detail.

Only you didn't mean to imagine it at all, and rather than being a tool of getting focused, it feels like something your mind is doing; it is going through a whole activity on its own, without your permission. It just goes there and does that. So I've gotten in the car, with all of my stuff (and in my case, the baby and his stuff). I've driven to 128 south, got off a few exits later and driven down another road to the running store. I've parked, got the baby out of his seat and into his stroller, walked over to the store, tried to explain to the salesperson that I want the cheaper running shoes, accepted the fact that this still puts me in the $90 range, tried them on, mulled and been uncertain, grumbled, purchased, and departed. Oh wait! I'm still at home thinking about doing this. Oh drat! now it seems tiring and boring, for I've gone through the mental motions already.

It's easier to deal with this mental rehearsal crap now that I:

• Know it happens
• Don't criticize myself for it
• Know that even though I've done it in my head, I don't necessarily have the energy/time to really do it today
• Let it go if I don't do it
• Watch the whole process just go by, like a river I'm sitting next to.
• See it as what my brain is up to, not what I'm choosing to do.
• Check in about my energy level and general state of being ~ why is my mind off in uncontrolled land today?
• Try to laugh it off

I have realized from my own experiences and talking with others that this is the kind of experience that people don't talk about that much as part of their inattentive experience. Yet it can be exhausting. And it can be confused with ruminating or obsessing. I see it more as my mind going off on an adventure without me... sound familiar to anyone?

Inattentive ADHD video on WebMD

Thanks to Pete Quily  and his blog for bringing my attention to this nice little video clip on WebMD about ADHD, which you can find here. This clip  starts out showing ADHD boys with hyperactivity, but then talks about, to paraphrase Tom Brown in the video, girls not getting diagnosed because they don't make enough trouble for other people, because they're not hyperactive. As is so common, it focuses only on children with ADHD, but it does so in the context of how we slip through the cracks, until later, or until, well, never, when we're predominantly inattentive.

Not discussed in the video but really important I think is how much impact it has when children and adults are suffering from unidentified ADHD for a long time. The video does touch on the important point that inattentive symptoms are invisible- and therefore disbelieved. All in all, an impressive job on the part of WebMD in a three-minute video. If you're really impatient, start at about 1:00 (one minute) to skip right to the inattentive point.

Focusing on Inattentive ADHD

Because I want to write about ADHD- predominantly inattentive type, I've been  thinking I ought to do a bit more reading on what others have said on the matter. I'm attracted to the subject because (1) I have ADHD, predominantly inattentive and (2) not that many people seem to talk about it. It seems like when I talk to clients about inattentive challenges, these massive blinking lights go off, because no one "got it" before. I hope I can blog about some of the stuff that I keep figuring out with clients over and over again, that we aren't finding elsewhere. But in the meantime, while it feels like there isn't much information out there, I realize I haven't exactly done an exhaustive literature review, so I'm starting my search. I'd like to ask my readers to share (in the comments) anything you've read about inattentive stuff that particularly struck you. I also wanted  to share this overview that I think is pretty terrific. I found it on CHADD's National Resource Center on AD/HD, and it is an information sheet called AD/HD Predominantly Inattentive Type and you can find it here.

I think it fairly addresses a number of the issues around diagnosis and definition of Inattentive Type. I particularly like fact that they cite a list of questions developed to help assess adults for inattentive symptoms:

1. Do you often make careless mistakes when you have to work on a boring and difficult project?

2. Do you often have difficulty keeping your attention when you are doing boring or repetitive work?

3. Do you often have difficulty concentrating on what people say to you, even when they are speaking to you directly?

4. Do you often have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project, once the challenging parts have been done?

5. Do you often have difficulty getting things in order when you have to do a task that requires organization?

6. When you have a task that requires a lot of thought, do you often avoid or delay getting started?

7. Do you often misplace or have difficulty finding things at home or at work?

8. Are you often distracted by activity or noise around you?

9. Do you often have problems remembering appointments or obligations?

Individuals who have significant chronic impairment from six or more of these symptoms are likely to have AD/HD if they also meet certain other criteria for diagnosis that are specified in the DSM-IV.

This list is useful if not exactly a complete reflection of the experience of inattentive symptoms. It also succeeds in  highlighting the fact that general ADHD assessments may not be sufficient for capturing adult and/or inattentive ADHD.

I'm also pretty impressed with the Wikipedia entry on the subject. What have you read that has helped you, struck a chord, or even made you mad- on this subject?

Writing and Working Spots

The other day I was talking to my sister about how I get work done, and how I used to get work done...  I suggest to clients that they think about how they got work done in college, because sometimes that really gives some clues about what the optimal spot is for them to work.

I used to go study spot-hopping. It was hard to focus on reading or intense studying for long periods, but I had a lot to do. So I'd find a spot with the right level of stuff going on and the right level of background noise, and work there for anywhere from thirty minutes to a couple of hours. When either my focus burned off or the noise level changed too much, I'd get up and go to the next spot. I was lucky at UMASS that there were tons of options; study rooms at the library, places to get lunch, coffee shops on campus, in Amherst, and in Northampton. Moving from place to place gave me a little break and a little movement. Then I could buckle down again for a bit. The University of Amsterdam was a little harder, while I was doing my Master's, but I could alternate between the train, the dining hall, and the awesome little Philosophy Department library, which wasn't so quiet because everyone was working in small groups trying to understand Kant, which can't be done no matter how many translations you have, and because there was a lovely dog named Flor who hung out there.

The right level of background activity and noise: even toned conversations. Enough for it to sound like a lull in the background, but not like people competing for airspace. Occasionally something to eavesdrop on half-heartedly or half-ear-edly.

Goal: enough to occupy the whitespace in my brain, the inattention. The part that gets too busy thinking and speeds away from the task - and thought- at hand. Not so much that I can't absorb what's in front of me.

It often would change and become too much in one place at lunch time, and then another study lounge or what not would get quiet enough. Silent areas of the library were often too quiet The funny thing is that my sister did exactly the same thing. We both still do a version of that, using coffee shops, libraries, benches, in our "spare" child-free moments to work. How about you? What's your working sweet spot? Does a dog make the difference?

Groovera - more music to work by

Just found a new source of music to work by... internet radio station Groovera. They have three channels in the chilled-out realm, and I found it when I inexplicably couldn't connect to my old standby, Afternoon Nap. Right now I'm listening to Groovera's Jet City Lounge stream.  

Downtempo music isn't always right for me, but it has been for a few years. As I'm sure I've said before: it's about whatever magically optimal level and type of stimulation/background works for you. The key for me is to find the right mood, the right groove, while quieting the mind enough to focus in on what I'm doing.

What music works for you when you're working? Please share in the comments because I want more ideas!

Brain Dead

I've been trying to post. Really. I'm just enormously tired. I'm not uninspired; I've come up with things I want to post about (focus/work styles; oh wait there was a longer list that I've forgotten- see I'm tired and have no memory). I thought I'd read some of my favorite blogs and see what tickled my thoughts or just warmed my neurons. Of course this started by finding that over at finslippy, Alice is having a bit of writer's block,
and asking her readers for help getting re-started after trying times.

For those of you with ADHD, getting re-started with a habit routine is something you probably have to do all the time. I say habit  because habits and ADD brains don't go together so well. We don't just, say, write every morning at 8:30 for a few days and then discover that lo! we are automatically writing at 8:30 every day.

Instead, most days it remains a conscious activity, replete with a difficult process shifting focus away from whatever you were doing before (showering? reading e-mail?) and shifting it to the target activity. This includes remembering what you wanted to do, remembering when you wanted to do it, and remembering what time it is right now. So to you I say, do not expect your desired habit to become a habit. Ever. It might, but don't expect it to. Just keep plugging at doing it every day. Climb aboard the wagon every day. Hone your skills at starting anew with a routine. Let go of your sense that it should be easier...that it should be automatic... that you shouldn't have forgotten; this sense is what's eating all your energy to actually get down and do it.

If you're inattentive type ADHD, this sense can eat your energy, chew it up, create more energy as a by-product of digestion, use this energy to think about what you wanted to do in colorful detail, all the while forgetting to get up and do it, forgetting to eat breakfast, and making it feel hard and boring by the time you finally remember you're still thinking about it an hour later.

I want to sum this up in a nice package of: what my writing routine is. Or: tips to make routines easier. I'll work on that but meanwhile I'm going to get up and actually retrieve the hot beverage I've been meaning to drink before it is no longer hot.

Unempty Homes

Recently I started an email group for parents in my neighborhood. Did I already post about how the opportunities for socializing explode when you become a parent?
One thing that has taken me by surprise is how many people are working from home. It seems like practically every household has one member working from home at least some of the time. This must be an exaggeration (though some households have two work-at-home members). But it does mean a shift in perspective about a couple of things.

1. All those houses are NOT empty during the day
2. The 9-to-5 office job norm? Not so normal anymore.
3. Parents are figuring out how to do childcare, family life, and work/life balance differently, one parent at a time.

But reviewing #2, maybe it's been that way for a while. That's what the Bureau for Labor Statistics says in this report from 2004 :

"In May 2004, 20.7 million persons usually did some work at home as part of 
their primary job,the Bureau of Labor Statistics of the U.S. Department 
of Labor reported today.  These workers, who reported working at home 
at least once per week, accounted for about 15 percent of total 
nonagricultural employment in May 2004, essentially the same percentage 
as in May 2001."

This report is four years old now, but reports no significant change since 2001, i.e. that 15% of us work from home at least part of the week.  So that office job assumption? Out the window.

Getting through the workout

I went to my running workout yesterday. A few things I have to mention:

• Music helps get into the running (or whatever other exercise). I left my ipod in the car because it was raining. I know it makes me faster.
• Without music, it's easier to crap-talk myself. It's pretty easy to crap-talk myself, and I don't think it's just because I've just missed many workouts because of a cascade of viruses and baby ear infections and the like. I don't think it's because I feel sluggish from all the sickness, and "run" like it. I think it's easy to do.
• It's hard to keep the pep talk going. The best is when I let go and experience what I'm doing. (music helps that too).
• I know this isn't just me- or just ADHD. My track club buddies confirmed similar experiences.
• Pros of working out alone: I don't feel like I have to "catch up" to everyone else or go at a specific tempo
• Cons of working out alone: I have less motivation, pay more attention to too many details of what I'm doing and thinking, and it's LESS FUN.

Baby-related Systems Clean-up

Here are some of the systems changes I've made, or am in the process of making, due to baby (and pre-baby):

• I don't use a Palm or other pda right now. It started to flake out on me while I was preggo, and at that point I realized I wasn't going to be super vigilant in syncing it every/every other day. I bought a cheap week-view paper calendar at CVS. I'm still using it. I keep my client's appointments recorded there and in their files, and now I skip using Outlook with the Palm. I might need to make a spreadsheet to have a digital record at some point
• I switched to Gmail from Outlook. It started because I was using a mac laptop upstairs and away from home, without Outlook on it. Now I want to be able to check my email whenever I have a free few fingers to type, at whichever computer I can reach with said fingers. I use Outlook to download a backup copy of emails now and then but Gmail just works better for me. I may switch to mac entirely in which case I'll find a different email application to do the download with.
• This all means that I'm not using Outlook to keep track of addresses and such so much. I'll have to come up with some solution for that; gmail is so easily searchable that I occassionally keep track of things by sending myself an email with contact info, and I still have the main database in Outlook. My husband is a Spreadsheet Man, so I kind of think there's no point in keeping household contacts anywhere else. Business stuff is another matter though. I use gmail contacts to store stuff like email addresses and occasssionally phone numbers but I just would rather have something outside of cyberspace.
• I've delegated a lot of household paperwork to my husband since I'm med-free and therefore a bit extra handicapped in that department.

That's just a few. I think the challenge to how I worked before helped me throw out some stuff that was just extra work. Not that I've perfected the new ways of doing things. What changes have you made when you had a proverbial arm tied behind your back?

ADD Mom Leaves for Half an Hour

This morning was daddy morning. I have clients at 10:00, but before that, I have time to do my own work. (Before that? You mean I function before 10:00am? I do now, thanks to baby!) I woke up dreaming of going to the nearby coffee shop to write a blog post. The main point here is to have my body in a location away from the baby's.
Mind you, part of me wanted to stay and watch daddy feed baby pears, the pathetic and wonderful of it being that I didn't want to leave the baby for my 45 measly minutes. That mommy-side aside, I wanted some time to myself. So I'm currently sitting with my coffee and laptop, a five-minute drive from the house, counting down the minutes until I have to get back in the car and speed home to have any hope of nursing G. before my next client. Fourteen. Fourteen minutes at the moment (ok, I've already ordered and sat down with a frothy cappucino, opened the laptop, put some headphones on, checked and noted the lack of new e-mail.) And if I pause for a moment, it's long enough to notice that I'm here, on my own! Weeee! Mommy's 45 minutes out!

For those of you who don't have kids, I describe the feeling like this:
you know when you're a teenager in absolute love/lust/obsession, the object of said emotion is constantly in your mind, and always feels like they're with you physically, a monkey you're glad to have on your back? The monkey isn't gone until after you break up, plus a bit of break-up mourning, and finally you've got your own skin back, no one clutching on, checking you for nits,  giving weight to every breath?

That's what it feels like with baby. I only notice my body being my own when I leave for a while. I don't break up, and it's only a few minutes at a time...(now I have 8 minutes). Here's what I have to do to get out of the house for my 45 minutes:

Wake up. Pry myself out of bed even though there's another adult to respond to baby's needs. Nurse the baby. Shower. Tell Daddy he's going to change the baby and get him dressed. Find some clean   clothing that serves to cover my naked body. Ignore the fact that the baby wants some attention. Pump some milk for baby for while I'm gone. Feel like it would be easier just to stay home with all this effort!  Make some breakfast. Make clear that I'm not the one feeding baby pears (convincing myself and reminding my husband). Extricate my wallet and such niceties from the diaper bag and discover where we have another bag that isn't a diaper bag. Feed myself something. Hang out while daddy takes the trash out because baby needs somebody there and I haven't left yet. Figure out how much time I have... that wasn't so bad, and maybe easier than without the baby because then I didn't have so much reason to kick myself out for the precious few minutes. Feel like it's easier just to stay home! Remember I still should nurse the baby before my client appointments; recalculate time. Feel like staying to watch baby eat and chat with husband. Misplace shoes but ignore that because who cares if you have the shoes you want when you have only a few minutes...

Time remaining: 1 minute. I haven't even finished the foam at the bottom of my cappucino cup. I did write this blog post... gotta run,.