thinkythink

Tricking yourself out of (ADHD) All-or-nothing Planning

I've been sick. I'll tell you more later about that. But for now, it means a lot of things have not been happening, because other more urgent and medically important things have happened. There are papers piled in odd places while I was taking care of my body. There are emails I didn't answer because I could not. And so on. That's ok. Bodies, and lives, have to be in good enough health to pick that stuff back up. That said, I am tempted to use this silly period. after. each. word. thing. that has cropped up in the blogosphere to articulate how much of a dead stop things can feel like they have come to.

Time and again I have worked with coaching clients around

-starting as an obstacle

-re-starting spurring "failure! you failed! you can't! see! it didn't happen before!" self-talk.

Just as I was getting going on some projects for business, I got a bad loooong cold. And then some weird virus at the end of it. During the weird virus part I kept thinking, "see! you aren't doing what you planned on! It DID NOT WORK. YOU MADE NO PROGRESS," because I was just getting restarted. I was just putting these pieces back together in my days. But having interruptions is not a failure to progress. It is an interruption. There is an art to designing systems and planning with interruptions in mind, and sometimes those systems and plans need tweaking- like when your current normal level of interruptions and intrustions increases. It doesn't mean you failed to make progress. (Take that, negative self-talk!)

I have also learned, but have to remember and re-remember, that even if I think "hey, I will put aside a coupole days this month just ot organize my office stuff," doesn't mean that this will be the best way forward right now. Success is seeing that another way forward might match better- and not stopping dead in your tracks because you couldn't get past getting started based on the plans you had. And what I won't be stopped by today is the fact that I now have choices, the kind that can be deadly with any executive function challenges (ADHD, ASD, um... overwhelmed life).

I COULD

-prioritize my fitness that is so compromised

-make sure I get to a bit of my office/home/whatever chores today so it stays under control
-make it an "organizing day" when I ignore everything else and get to organizing the office

-get errands out of the way that need to get done and keep hanging over me

-clean out the fridge so I can know what groceries I have so I can have food available for lunch

-95 other categories that feel like they could take precedence over everything else

With all of these particular options my little thinkythink brain can say "but if you do X then you won't do Y!" And talk in circles. At light speed. Which is why I started this blog, because it happens to me, I've learned about it, I have helped others with it who have this happen, and I know we all have to keep reminding ourselves that we do this, it happens, and really, I just need to get a boulder in motion that is either stopped, or threatening to stop, and keep it that way, gently. Never mind which category of thing is right. Watch the flood of possible decisions just do its thing. Be wrong and just do. Don't push yourself to "just do it" and end up in a mental battle about whether or not that is what you are doing. Notice, move ahead anyways. It might be an organizing day, or an organizing 10 minutes. It might be organizing day when those 10 minutes turn into a gloriously useful hyperfocus. That might be the day I ignore the walks I need to recover from post-surgical deconditioning. Or, a walk might spur some better work, and the organizing might get moved along to another day. It is all good. It will all get done, in time, with less of my grip on the schedule and more of my remembering, awareness, and intention. 

 

 

Why get diagnosed with ADHD as an adult/parent/mom?

This morning in a parents' discussion email group, a mom asked if it is useful to be diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I thought my answer might be useful to others so I've excerpted it for you here:

Diagnosis as an adult gives you a lot of information that can be useful, including both medication and non-medication strategies. (you would KNOW that anything dopamine-related can be instrumental; you start to look at caffeine, aerobic exercise, and protein differently)  It also gives you a sense of whether their is an increased genetic tendency in that direction (read: you have ADHD, very good chance one or more of your kids does too).

When it comes to women, there is such an interaction between ADHD and hormones that it gives you a different view and a big heads up around both cyclic functioning variation and what happens in peri-/menopause. ADHD can be much worse in menopause for some women, so that it becomes a time that some need to seek treatment where they didn't need it, or where hormonal treatment is much more important because it is impacting functioning much more than other people (because the estrogen drop effects compound the ADHD effects).
As an upside to that seeming unhappy news,  older women I know with ADHD have told me that they feel like they are ahead of the game, because they have worked consciously on organizational/functioning/memory strategies long before menopause exacerbated these issues.

Finally, even if ADHD didn't kick your butt pre-parenting, parenting is a giant load of executive functioning weighed on sleep-deprived shoulders. If you have underlying ADHD, it is HARD, and the label can give insight into why it might topple you over as it were- and what you might need to prioritize to make it work better.

 

I had it all wrong.

As an ADHD coach I talk a lot about using systems and structures as tools; you don't use a fancy day planner because it is somehow intrinsically good. It should make things run more smoothly.

Yet, I was stuck when it came to cleaning up and organizing my house. I kept trying to "have less stuff." My house is full of toys. They are often on the floor. My kids knock stuff over a lot by mistake, putting more stuff on the floor.

Last week a friend came over and said, "but your kids USE ALL of the toys. So you don't just have too many toys. In fact I've seen a lot of houses with more toys. Or a lot of toys the kids could care less about."

She pointed out an important principle I had forgotten about for myself.  I am not trying to clean up or organize because this is a "good thing" to do. I don't really need to have a certain house for other people to like it.

I forgot that I am cleaning and organizing as a way of making things easier, but that it is important to me to have my house centered around my kids. The way I store stuff, which mostly is toys, is a system that ought to make things easier for us. The fact that we have lots of toys (but maybe less than people think, because ours are all in plain view) is about our core values. I got confused by friends and others thinking we had "too many" toys or "not enough" space. I'd like more space, but it isn't the  most important thing to me.

I love toys and it is ok if they have a whole bunch of toys they love. I am not hoarding toys.

It is ok that in our smallish house, the living room is their playroom and the dining room is their arts and crafts area. It's ok with me. We don't have extra space, and having an adult-centered house is not part of my value system. So when I'm exasperated with mess, I don't have to compare myself to others who think few toys is best, or kids toys for some reason shouldn't be in common spaces. I need to find joy, based on what I value, and systems to help.

 

 

 

 

Overwhelm and noticing

I have too much going on right now. Let's say I don't need more stimulation- though the shock of a quiet house can be a bit discombobulating given the amount on my plate overflowing buffet table.

I think we've all heard messages about overwhelm or crazy-busy lives like "learn to say no," or "let some things go." These are useful ideas, but they aren't always on point. In some cases, they can just create inner judgment, like "it must be something I'm doing wrong," or "I'm not prioritizing well enough," or one of my favorites, "if I only managed my to do list better it wouldn't be so hard."

None of this addresses the fact that sometimes life delivers too much to handle in the hours or our day. Here are some things that help at times like this:

1. checking in and noticing feelings  of overwhelm, as well as actual overload, or whatever you want to call "having way more to deal with than you can in the time available." The important thing here is noticing and identifying.

Some supports can help to do this, including

• sleep
• medication
• vigorous or gentle exercise

2. letting go of something you can't let go of, and can't say no to. For example, my house is a mess. It isn't really ok with me, and isn't the most useful way to function. But it just is. And I just will be able to clean or organize when I can. And that's just what it is.

3. remembering that you didn't decide to have this situation. You might have a combination of medical/family/family's medical/children's school/your work/your household/your other commitments... that is way more involved than you have time for. That is not necessarily your fault. Let go of what you can let go of, but don't carry around the weight of believing you made it this way if it isn't so.

 

 

ADHD Coaching Spots coming available

As we all settle into fall schedules- wait, settle in? Not so sure about that. Anyhow, I've got two openings for one-on-one coaching, and I'd love to have you aboard to get things cranking! There is a bit more info over at my coaching website

 

I forgot that part of my life even existed

Tuesday is currently my Monday- it is my first workday of the week, at least until the end of summer break. Every week I might forget

• how much of a transition it is from family time to work time
• how many different slices of the pie are all involved in work time
• that there is a pie... I mean that my life has a whole bunch of pieces.

I prefer really to think of them as "tracks". Or drawers that I pull out to deal with one at a time. Or I compare them to college classes that you deal with one at a time, but in parallel.

Lately I don't use a grand task list at the moment as I sometimes do. Part of why is that what I have to do is less to remember the individual tasks- I remember them anyways- than it is to remember which "classes" I am "taking," and what is involved in each of them. 

If I have the items on a "master" to do list, it is there, I see it, I read it, I know I will have to pick when to focus on that. But when I get my head inside that whole part of my life, that is different. That's when I can think about doing it. A mentor taught me about having clients touch and feel their projects- mentally or physically- and it is a bit like that. You can't work on everything at once, but you can stay connected to things by looking at the project you aren't working on, and putting it back in the drawer. This is not procrastinating, it is reviewing what's in your life that you are choosing not to do right now.

The funny and weird of the ADHD brain is forgetting entirely that a part of your life exists, even if a related task is on a list or a mental list- the whole feel of it being real just comes back all of a sudden. It feels kind of like remembering that you care. Anyone recognize this? I think it goes to the meat of how you use, or don't use, systems.

 

 

There is no perfect system for ADHD and a changing world

It took a pretty wise friend to ask me how I deal with ALL THAT STIMULATION from raising my super high-energy, fairly high-needs, young children. It took wisdom about ADHD, about balance, and about me.

But this isn't really about parenting. It is about the fact that  I don't want to go to the coffee shop anymore to work or write, for example, and it used to be my go-to strategy to get some focused review and writing time. And when the kids are off to school, sometimes I don't want to do anything at all. That's because I have used up my quota, or filled my need, for sensory input and stimulation!

I am ready to recharge, I want quiet! I don't want people around me necessarily for background noise or added interest. Those are things that usually help me focus, get out of my head, and get me into flow. But "usually" has gone and changed on me, because my life has changed quite a bit.

This is exactly why I tell my clients that there isn't a "perfect" system or structure that will always work for them necessarily. There might be. But they might need to build in a sense of flexibility- that whatever is working right now is working for now, and when it stops working, it might be time to tweak it, reboot it, or see if it doesn't match their situation any more.

They may develop multiple options for systems depending on the environment. They will forget, as I do, that they might need to just clean out the file drawer/bin/inbox/system and keep going. They will forget that the file drawer may not be necessary any more because of all kinds of other changes. They will forget how much has changed.

The aim is to then remember. And to adjust, and get curious once again about what will work now. The aim is to avoid spending too much energy being upset that the old isn't working right now, and move on into the new.

So this morning, when I wondered why I wasn't jumping right into work in the hour I had open before a client, I had to remember I needed something else. I just needed quiet and decompression time first, without trying to get my mind engaged in the next thing. And then give myself permission to take that time, and know that I will come back around to it.

Getting started is most of the ADHD battle

   Ok, this is true for some of my ADHD coaching clients.

You tell me that whoa! once you get started, everything is a-ok, or even hyperfocus great. But getting started is tough.

Today's getting started for me is full-on anxiety-provoking.  I haven't had all that much time for the work I've wanted to do for quite some time. Clients always take precedence in my work hours, and many of those hours have been nibbled up by other more important issues, leaving only time for my current clients. 

So, I've got my priorities straight. But now I have a little breathing room to do something like write blog posts, and reach out to people interested in coming off my waiting list. But I feel like I'm jumping from the 20-foot diving platform! That is the getting started nerves. The nerves can come after the diversions.

Diversions are not  procrastination in the sense of putting it off so I don't have to do it now. It's more of the slipstream behind the getting-started nerves. Ooh! let me think about how  I am going to get started. Which hours am I coaching? Legitimate question, also a possible roadblock. Ooh! let me organize my inbox so I can make sure I've gathered everything I need to respond to. Legitimate task, but can wash me away from my path. Let me think about the stuff I want to catch up on! Sounds like planning, but planning can also be an island, where you are stuck exploring and aren't actually connected to the dry land of doing.

Only when I get back there, and start moving along, will the anxiety disappear. Then I can step back and see what my next steps are. It is an odd process, because it means thinking once I'm in action, and not thinking it out before, yet also not impulsively going down another path.

 

Self-Kindness

I want to pick up where I left off last week: curiosity and the scientist-mode.

Today I am not feeling so well. Had a migraine yesterday, and migraine effects last longer than an afternoon, even if the meds work. The side effects from the meds may last a while, too. Or, the migraine could be part of a virus.

I don't know which. I do know that my ADHD makes it hard for me to step back and notice what my energy level is, and what my body is feeling like.

Oh yeah, I don't feel great. Oh yeah, I was gonna do stuff on my list. Oh yeah, now I gotta push through or forget about it....

or not. Maybe I need to listen to how I'm feeling, how my mind is working, and see what I maybe can do. I've said this a lot on this blog; that we start with what we CAN do, that it might depend on a lot. But I still have to remember this from moment to moment, when it is easier to criticize myself for seeming lazy or inert, or whatever.As soon as I do that, I have forgotten that the self-criticism is actually an enemy of any kind of productivity- and awareness.

What's the bottom line? If I can review what I have been working on, my open tasks and projects, if only to put them away again because I'm under the weather, that's actually a lot more progress than ignoring the list and hammering at myself instead.

 

 

We Do Well When We Can

I've been giving a blog post to clients to read. It's a blog post by Kyra Anderson about parenting, a  child with Asperger.  After I read it,  I kept thinking about it while talking to clients, because the things the author is figuring out about dealing with her kid are so similar to the things my clients figure out about dealing with themselves.

The post is entitled "Kids (and their parents) Do Well When They Can." The phrase "kids do well when they can" refers to Ross Greene's Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) approach to "discipline" with something like "challenging" children, as outlined in The Explosive Child.  If you have kids, or work with kids, or take care of kids, and you haven't read the book, you should. If you have ADHD and you have kids who are biologically related to you, you need to read it, because their chances of having ADHD are too high not to parent accordingly.

But as Kyra illustrates in her post, using this approach changes not only how you parent, but how you feel and think- and talk to yourself- while you are parenting.She writes about her son being happy to play a favorite game on the computer, while saying he doesn't have the energy to do some chores.This is tricky because it is so easy to assume that he is resistant because he just doesn't like chores- and even if you were thinking about someone with ADHD who has trouble focusing on something boring, it is just hard to rewrite the idea that they just don't want to do the boring stuff. 

Kyra describes a shift to thinking it may truthfully be about him not having energy to do the chores. Once she does that, she can problem-solve. Then she can help him GET the energy. And then, he succeeds.

I do this with my own kids, and when I make the shift with my kids from thinking "he CAN do this, he's just not trying" to "he does well WHEN HE CAN," and start problem solving about how to help him to be able to, it changes my outlook entirely. I become more pragmatic, more positive, more helpful, and less frustrated. Far less frustrated- right along with my kid.

But I'm writing this to talk about ourselves as adults, not as parents. The message about how we attribute will and effort to kids who aren't doing something we want them do, is EXACTLY how we tell ourselves that we aren't trying hard enough to get something done.

For example, I can start washing the dishes when I put on the right music, or when I have someone coming over, which feels like magical energy I didn't have. A lot of coaching is finding what the strategies and pairings are, yet in a deeper sense it is about changing our assumptions that we aren't doing something because we aren't trying hard enough. When we start to see this as a matter of CAN instead of a matter of TRY, we can begin to problem solve to get to where we can.

The more we do this, the more we can ever-so-slowly change how we talk to ourselves. Slowly we can internalize this thinking, cultivating a perspective that Kyra describes about herself as a parent- and can be equally powerful when thinking about ourselves:

The first part, being softer and assuming good intentions, could possibly sound like overly-positive nonsense if you are cynical. But it allows a mindset of curiosity, or the "scientist mode" as she describes it. This curiousity is, in my experience, the only way to find what works. As a massive bonus, it feels a lot better.